AAAHHHH Love. Everyone wants it, a lot of people abuse it and there are those who don’t know what to do with it. The Bible gives us a great definition of what love is.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” – 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5
It was reading that specific verse that leads me to realize I was not in a mutually loving relationship. It was this verse that made me realize, it was time for me to call it quits on my on-and-off-again “Situashionship”. I prayed daily for God to give me a sign, for God to allow me to see if this was ever going anywhere. Truth is, God gave me so many signs that I ignored. I persisted in hopes that things would get better…. That he would change. I prayed countless times for God to change him and make him better. I cried myself to sleep nights on ends after being disrespected… I’m a ride or die… right? I have to stick it out… right? I’m a good woman so if I stay and put up with his mood swings, he’ll see my worth and treat me better…right?
I know for a fact there are many other young women who are in this predicament right now. LEAVE SIS. PLEASE. Especially if this person is only a bf/gf. Yes, I know you love this person with all your heart but you NEED to give some of that love to yourself. Please love yourself enough to leave that horrible relationship, heal, and wait for someone who will truly adore you. I did not have any older siblings or cousins to tell me. I had to go through a heart-wrenching dead-end relationship that turned abusive to realize this.
It will be hard but it will be worth it. For months, I was literally “trapped” because I was scared to leave. I felt sorry and felt like I owed him something. But the truth is,
you do not owe anyone shit.
The ride or die mantra is f**** dead now. We are in 2020 and we are NOT going to ride nowhere, with no n**** who ain’t doing for us, not loving us, and not valuing us. We are RECLAIMING our mother f**** time and taking our lives back.
A healthy relationship means that both you and your partner(s) are:
- Communicating: You talk openly about problems and listen to one another. You respect each other’s opinions.
- Respectful: You value each other as you are.
- Trusting: You believe what your partner has to say. You do not feel the need to “prove” each other’s trustworthiness.
- Honest: You are honest with each other, but can still keep some things private.
- Equal: You make decisions together and hold each other to the same standard.
- Enjoying personal time: You enjoy spending time apart, alone or with others. You respect each other’s need for time apart.
- Making mutual sexual choices: You talk openly about sexual and reproductive choices together. All partners willingly consent to sexual activity and can safely discuss what you are and are not comfortable with.
- Economic/financial partners: You and your partner have equal say with regard to finances. All partners have access to the resources they need.
- Engaging in supportive parenting: All partners are able to parent in a way they feel comfortable with. You communicate together about the needs of the child(ren), as well as the needs of the parents.
You may be in an unhealthy relationship if one or more partners are:
- Not communicating: When problems arise, you fight or you don’t discuss them at all.
- Disrespectful: One or more partners is not considerate of the other(s).
- Not trusting: One partner doesn’t believe what the other says, or feels entitled to invade their privacy.
- Dishonest: One or more partners tells lies.
- Trying to take control: One partner feels their desires and choices are more important.
- Only spending time with your partner: Your partner’s community is the only one you socialize in.
- Pressured by the other into sexual activity: One partner uses pressure or guilt on the other to have sex or do anything sexual at any point.
- Ignoring a partner’s boundaries: It is assumed only one partner is responsible for making informed decisions.
- Unequal economically: Finances are not discussed, and/or it is assumed only one partner is in charge of finances.
Abuse is occurring in a relationship when one partner:
- Communicates in a way that is hurtful, threatening, insulting or demeaning.
- Mistreats the other: One partner does not respect the feelings, thoughts, decisions, opinions or physical safety of the other.
- Accuses the other of cheating or having an affair when it’s not true: The partner who accuses may hurt the other in a physical or verbal way as a result.
- Denies that the abusive actions are abuse: An abusive partner may try to blame the other for the harm they’re doing, or makes excuses for abusive actions or minimizes the abusive behavior.
- Controls the other: There is no equality in the relationship. One partner makes all decisions for the couple without the other’s input.
- Isolates the other partner: One partner controls where the other one goes and who they talk to. They may isolate their partner from family and friends.
- Forces sexual activity or pregnancy: One partner forces the other to have sex, or do anything they don’t want to do sexually at any point. In relationships where pregnancy is a physical possibility, one partner may force the other to become pregnant.
- Exerts economic control: One partner controls the money and access to resources. Having an open dialogue about finances is not an option. This may include preventing a partner from earning an income or not allowing a partner access to their own income.
- Engages in manipulative parenting: One partner uses the child(ren) to gain power and control over the other partner, including telling the child(ren) lies or negative things about the other partner.
If you need help, reach out! Pull up with your family and friends if you need protection! Call the police if it is needed! You do not have to go through this alone. If you are, do not feel ashamed to called the Domestic Violence hotline to get shelter and help. They will literally hold your hand and make sure everything goes smoothly for you.
Just to note, a person does not to be physically hitting you for it be labeled abuse. There is emotional abuse, sexual abuse, reproduction coercion, financial abuse, and digital abuse. Abuse can happen in friendships and within the family as well or any other type of relationship. Recognize the signs and move accordingly.
Choose YOU first. Cherish yourself. Love yourself enough to know when it is time to no longer partake in this. You’ve got this!
If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.